Now Boarding: The Bipolarcoaster

The day finally came. Sad, really, that I knew it would...prayed it wouldn't. Kaitlynne has been having meltdowns (manic epi's) more frequently lately, and last night was the worst one yet. It started so simply. She got up around 11:30pm to go to the bathroom and get a water bottle. She got up 10 minutes later to have me look at an invisible bump on her hand. 10 minutes later, she needed to change her shorts cuz they didn't match her shirt. This continuted until 12:15am, at which point I was losing my patience. I told her to get back in her room and go to bed. I was putting the twins in their own beds for the first time, and they were sleeping. I didn't want her waking them. She mumbled under her breathe, "go frig yourself". That was it. I went in there, got in her face, and told her to say it again. She just rolled her eyes. I slapped the back of her head (yes, I know, you're all gasping...I didn't hit her hard). She goes ballistic, of course. I told her next time she'd munch on some Dawn dish soap. I told her to stop her screaming since they were sleeping next to her...she proceeds to hit and kick that wall (btwn the 2 rooms). I go out, try to ignore her. 2 hours later (yes, TWO), she's still going. I ask my mom to go calm her down-doesn't work. Gabriel wakes up. Then Anne-Marie. Kaitlynne comes out still screaming and stomping. I tell her to go outside, if she's going to be like that-I didn't want the little one's seeing it. She proceeds, so I opt to help her out the door-mistake. She's stronger than normal when she's in this state. She kicks the hell out of me a few times, almost knocking me over the last time. At this point, I have no idea what to do. Usually she will wind down on her own. Doesn't usually remember most of it. She was escalating, instead. So...I called 911. I was bawling, telling them my Bipolar 11 year old is out of control; operator sounded annoyed w/ me (sorry, no one is being robbed or dying-just at wit's end). The officer (nice gal) showed up almost immediately. Thankfully, no lights or sirens. I was still crying-this was my fear, having it come to this point. She talks to Kaitlynne alone-calms her down. Another officer comes, goes in with Kaitlynne while the female cop talks to me. Tells me my options (press assault charges--holy sh*t; send her to an adolescent mental hospital that she personally has heard horror stories about--holy sh*t again; or wait until I can get a hold of Kait's psychiatrist...obvious choice). The officer spoke to Kait again, and left. She woke up this morning oblivious to most all of it ("sorry 'bout last night, I was tired"...). I'll be calling the psych tomorrow after work.

There's more to blog about, but this situation has been mentally draining for me. Everything else is going well (work, 3 little kiddos, etc...). Another day...

Don't know if it will help...

So this entry will be a rambling bit. I don't expect anyone to understand, or comment. I just have to get it out.

I take anxiety meds. I started taking them about 3 months after the twins were born. Anyone who knew me pre-meds, knows it was a much needed change. They really did the trick for quite some time. Even now, they kind of mellow me out. However, there's a darkness creeping it's way in...perhaps not creeping, a bit faster. Ever since losing my job and having no luck finding anything else, I just feel...nothing. Of course I know millions of others are in the same position-and at this point, I don't care. I can't help myself, so I surely can't help them. I was terminated for a stupid reason. Not even a 'real' reason. However, it's a "fire at will" state. They don't have to have a reason. They overhired? No problem-just can some poor schmuck in the middle of a fucking recession.

I thought moving here, it would be better. Alex got a job. Dietary at a hospital. Sounds glamorous, but it's not. I tell him he's lucky he got a job, but deep down I pray he doesn't resent me for bringing him here so he could be a glorified dishwasher.

I was supposed to be able to see my brother more. My brother-the only person who understands about our shitty childhood. Who knows how my father is a complete stranger to me, yet I have some sick need to have his love. How my mother's a crazy hypochondriac who's sure a pill cures it all. I've seen my brother maybe 5 times since we've been here. He calls-after Pete goes to work. He'll come over-if Pete says it's ok and comes with him. They leave as soon as they can. I begged him to go to St. Louis this weekend with us. It would mean him going alone, as Pete has to work that night. He said he can't...he feels guilty for leaving Pete (who will be sleeping all day so he can work that night). I asked if Pete told him he couldn't-he said no, just made him feel bad. Pete almost lost his partner that morning in June. I almost lost my BROTHER! My ONLY sibling! He doesn't owe Pete a FUCKING thing, Pete should be glad that he opted to call 911 before it was too late! Instead, he feels indebted to him for staying with him...and Pete is milking it to it's full extent. Another situation out of my hands, but in my mind and hurting my heart.

I wonder if I'll ever hear my boys say 'mommy'. If Kaitlynne will be able endure the academic struggle long enough to graduate high school. If my dad will ever look at my kids the way he looks at her grandkids. If I'll ever be able to tell someone...anyone...the horrible secrets that lurk around every corner of my mind.

And the rug comes out from under me...

Everything was going great with the new job. I was the best in my training class, the managers liked me, I had made a great group of friends...and then, BAM.

I was terminated today due to mistakingly putting the wrong prior employment dates on my application. I filled it out to the best of my knowledge, as it states, but I was wrong. My managers were acting on orders from New York. They tried their best to fight it, but had about as much luck as I did.

It was like being kicked in the gut repeatedly. I came home and directly cried myself to sleep. I woke up, CORRECTED MY RESUME', and started applying for more jobs. I've been answering texts from my work-friends all night-they're all so upset. So am I :(

Leads...to nowhere?

Well, as I said before, I did get a job with Chase. I'm a telephone banker (basically a teller w/out the face-to-face lol). I start Monday for a 5 week training period. We had an appt set for Brandon at a neuorologist in Feb, but I can't go because of the strict policy on not missing training. We've pushed it back to March. We've also asked that Gabriel be seen by the geneticist with Brandon, when we get that appt.

Alex has found a few leads with the hotels here. He had an interview today, but we're both still shaking our heads at the salary they're offering for a night auditor (especially one with his experience). The only thing I can think of is that with the economy in decline, the companies know they can pay next to nothing because of all the people they have applying for a few scarce positions. He has another inteview next week with a hotel that's right around the corner. I hope he gets offered that one, even if it's the same money. Much closer, not nearly the gas needed. It's bumming him out, tho. First, it takes forever to get any leads...and then it's paying next to nothing. I told him not to worry about it. Thankfully, I get paid pretty well and between the 2 of us, we'll be doing pretty good. I told him he had years where he was our sole source of income-he can take a break from worrying about it.

Kaitlynne got her report card and it has 3 (yes three) F's on it, along with multiple "concerns" from the teacher. I merely mentioned the fact that opted to cut her services against my wishes-perhaps they should rethink that. So, another IEP meeting coming up.

That's about it. Kids are doing well, otherwise. Until next time...

Thank you, Jesus

I got a job!!!! A great-paying job, at that! Also, hubby got a really good lead on a job for himself! Hubby isn't a big believer in God. I admit, since losing our daughter, my faith is still trying to recover. I know, however, that He came through for us here. Thank you, God...thank you.

I got the 'piss off' email

You either got a phone call for a face-to-face interview, or you got the 'piss off' email. I got the email.

Trying to chip away at the chip on my shoulder.

Soooo, I realize now that the last entry was...crappy? I was just in a really bad place and needed to get it out w/out burdening my family any more than they already are. I'm trying to be more upbeat...trying. I have beautiful children that make me smile and laugh every day. I know in my heart that one should be here with us and isn't...it's hard. We're approaching the 4 year mark. How is that even possible? When they told me she had died, I didn't think I'd breathe w/out horrid pain ever again. She'd be 4 years old. I just can't imagine...

We met with the new pediatrician for the kids. Goofy, but nice guy. He's setting us up with referrals to new neurologists, geneticists, and speech therapists. Hoping he can recommend someone good for Kaitlynne.

She (Kaitlynne) is on my craplist at the moment. She's in her mouthy know-it-all stage already (which sucks, but I can deal with). Today, she opted to go to her friend's house before checking after getting off of the bus. I started to worry about 10 minutes past her regular time...panicked by the time I got off the phone with the school/transportation. They said they had dropped her off on time! I called one of her friends, wasn't there...the mom sent the little girl to another girl's house to see if she was there. She was, and even tho she obviously realized she must be doing something not-right if I sent someone for her-she sent me a NOTE saying she'd be home in an hour or so!!!! Alex and I got our shoes and helped her remember where she lived :pulls gray hairs out:.

Everything else is going. I'm in the "hurry up and wait" stage for a job that pays really well and would be GREAT to get. Cross your fingers!

What 2008 brought...

Ok, this might be a bit emotional for me...so it might not make sense to all, but just some things I need to get out. What 2008 brought to our family:

Jan: *Our daughter we'll never know on earth, Marissa, would have been 3 years old.
*We opened a restaurant/motel with high hopes, tho in our hearts we knew it never
stood a chance. We were well aware that Alex's dad wouldn't do what he said he
would. Nevertheless, we rolled up our sleeves and went to work.

Feb: *Alex and I spent our 2nd anniversary at home because his dad didn't deem us
worthy of a salary to run one of his businesses. In the mean time, his other boys
who "work" for him our living in $250,000-$500,000 homes purchased by him
for them.
*We experience the first of MANY damaging floods/ice storms to our home and the
restaurant.
*We have our son evaluated by a speech therapist, who tells us he's over a year
behind developmentally.

Mar: *I make the first of a few mistakes and hire Juanita.

Apr: *The pediatrician notices a small white birth mark on our son, and tells us we need
to have him seen by a neurologist. We scoff at this, but follow thru w/ the referral.

May: *Ah, my 31st birthday. It's celebrated by my father-in-law coming to the restaurant
to tell me what a major fuck-up (sorry) I am. He has the nerve to throw Adam's
name at me and I lose it. That crazy low-life turns him in for his wrong-doings and
it's ME that's a problem?! Ha!
*My sweet boy turns 2 years old :)

June: *My mom has to be admitted into the VA hospital because she's got internal bleeding
they can't find. I have to stay in a hotel in Augusta to be near her.
*My sister-in-law dies of leukemia. She leaves behind 3 children under age 13. This
affects me deeply, tho I hardly knew her.
*While in Augusta I experience one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. I
receive a call from my brother's partner that brother has attempted suicide. He
is in the ER. It takes me several calls to find him, at which point I'm in hysterics
because I think he's dead. I'm sure of it. That's why they won't tell me where he
is. He wasn't dead, tho. While laying in his bathtub, full of his own blood flowing
steadily from his wrists, he decides he DOESN'T want to die. He calls 911 and is
saved. He spends the next 6 weeks in and out of rehab. I can't describe the
feelings from nearly losing him...

July: *I want to go to see my brother, but can't. Our busy season is about to start (or so
we were told).
*The busy season came and went, and we were still broke. People liked us, loved
our food/atmosphere...little did we know, the recession was about to strike.

Aug: *We take Brandon to Bangor for the first EKG, which is abnormal. I hold him for
what seems like forever and cry.
*Kaitlynne turns 11 :)
*The twins turn 1 :)
*My father-in-law has all but bailed on the restaurant.

Sep: *We take Brandon for genetic bloodwork, which is also abnormal. We are told he
has a chromosomal abnormality of his number 5 chromosome. We are still waiting
to see a geneticist to have this explained to us.

Oct: *My father-in-law drops his spies off for a week at the hotel/restaurant. They
immediate latch on to the weakest link, Juanita. She thinks she can get ahead, so
she tells them lie upon lie about us, including that I NEVER worked! I was putting
in 60+ hours a week, and had the payroll to prove it-but he didn't care...she was
his new drinking buddy. Low-lifes of a feather...
*Brandon goes for a 48-hour EKG and an MRI. THANK THE GOOD LORD his MRI
comes back clear! However, the EKG does not. He is having seizures, and is put
on medication. The cause is unclear, we're still following up on it.
*We make the decision to leave the hotel/restaurant. His father had bailed, it
couldn't support itself, and he's made a mockery of my husband and I in the little
town we had to live in.

Nov: *We move to Missouri. His dad has promised to help us, but it's been like pulling
teeth. He blames ME for the entire economic recession! I didn't know I had such
power. Our credit cards are nearly maxed for having to live on them for the last
year because he refused to pay us our salaries...

Dec: *Hard time finding work...not what we had thought it would be.
*Christmas is bleak, financially, but my kids still make me smile.
*I find myself falling into a deep depression...still working on that one, too.
*We get to see my brother-in-law and sister-in-law after over a year. The few,
perhaps the only, in-laws I like.
*We find out that that Alex's uncle (a dear man) has terminal cancer.


I know, this is a bleak post. It's been a hard year. However, we are all here. Healthy, and most of us happy. I praying the New Year brings stability so that we can cut the ties for good. My father-in-law has beat me down emotionally. Something I swore I'd never let ANY man (or woman) do to me again after my ex-husband. I suppose he feels good about himself, even tho I KNOW he knows I busted my ASS for him. Karma. It's a bitch, so I hear...