Don't know if it will help...

So this entry will be a rambling bit. I don't expect anyone to understand, or comment. I just have to get it out.

I take anxiety meds. I started taking them about 3 months after the twins were born. Anyone who knew me pre-meds, knows it was a much needed change. They really did the trick for quite some time. Even now, they kind of mellow me out. However, there's a darkness creeping it's way in...perhaps not creeping, a bit faster. Ever since losing my job and having no luck finding anything else, I just feel...nothing. Of course I know millions of others are in the same position-and at this point, I don't care. I can't help myself, so I surely can't help them. I was terminated for a stupid reason. Not even a 'real' reason. However, it's a "fire at will" state. They don't have to have a reason. They overhired? No problem-just can some poor schmuck in the middle of a fucking recession.

I thought moving here, it would be better. Alex got a job. Dietary at a hospital. Sounds glamorous, but it's not. I tell him he's lucky he got a job, but deep down I pray he doesn't resent me for bringing him here so he could be a glorified dishwasher.

I was supposed to be able to see my brother more. My brother-the only person who understands about our shitty childhood. Who knows how my father is a complete stranger to me, yet I have some sick need to have his love. How my mother's a crazy hypochondriac who's sure a pill cures it all. I've seen my brother maybe 5 times since we've been here. He calls-after Pete goes to work. He'll come over-if Pete says it's ok and comes with him. They leave as soon as they can. I begged him to go to St. Louis this weekend with us. It would mean him going alone, as Pete has to work that night. He said he can't...he feels guilty for leaving Pete (who will be sleeping all day so he can work that night). I asked if Pete told him he couldn't-he said no, just made him feel bad. Pete almost lost his partner that morning in June. I almost lost my BROTHER! My ONLY sibling! He doesn't owe Pete a FUCKING thing, Pete should be glad that he opted to call 911 before it was too late! Instead, he feels indebted to him for staying with him...and Pete is milking it to it's full extent. Another situation out of my hands, but in my mind and hurting my heart.

I wonder if I'll ever hear my boys say 'mommy'. If Kaitlynne will be able endure the academic struggle long enough to graduate high school. If my dad will ever look at my kids the way he looks at her grandkids. If I'll ever be able to tell someone...anyone...the horrible secrets that lurk around every corner of my mind.