6 years ago and the new Mother of the Year

I have a tattoo that says the name "Kevin" on my left upper arm. It's encased in a heart with wings and a halo. Many people look at it and assume that it's an old boyfriend, or my current husband. I don't generally tell the entire story of him to many...it's been 6 years today and it hurts just as bad.

Kevin was one of my stepson's from my first marriage. He was a quiet boy, had a difficult time with his parents' divorce. The few times he did open up, he was so funny and caring...a really sweet kid, torn between two parents. It was no secret his dad favored Matthew, his older brother. His mother, in return, babied Kevin. Both parents used the children as pawns to hurt the other, as so often happens in bitter divorces. The boys would live with us, then her, then split between the two, and so on. When Kevin was 16, and Matthew 18, they told us they both wanted to quit school. At this time, my (then) husband had allowed the boys to do drugs w/ him, as well as drink. Kevin took pretty quickly to marijuana, Matthew to alcohol. I hated every minute of it, and made their 'parties' miserable by putting my food down about things. When the school thing came up, that was it for me. I was working 2 jobs to keep things going there (since my husband wouldn't work), and I refused to let them throw their lives away to end up like him. I said they could get their GED's and work, or stay in school. They didn't care for my options, so they called their mother--she told them they could quit school and live with her. I was furious, but said hey, her kids. Matthew stayed out for about 3 months before going back-he's very much the social butterfly, missed his friends and the girls. Kevin stayed home, mostly playing video games and getting high with his mother. On October 2nd, 2002 Matthew called our home screaming. He was in such a state that his father couldn't understand what he was saying on the phone machine, so he didn't answer it...I'll never forget that he didn't answer it. When I got home, I went check the messages. I played it over and over until I figured out that it was Matthew. I started calling over to his mothers...over and over and over. No answer. I was freaking out. I had just grabbed my keys to drive out when we got the knock on the door. I opened the door and my heart fell to the floor. It was the police, along with a bereavement officer. She asked us to sit down, I yelled at her to just tell us what was going on...where were the boys. She looked at me and said, "Kevin and Claire (his mother) are dead, Matthew is at the hospital." I sort of fell onto the chair, crying so hard I could barely breathe, asking what had happened. Claire had committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning. She had taken Matthew to school, gone home and put all of the notes she wrote on the kitchen counter, closed the outside garage door with the truck running and laid near the exhaust pipe. She either had not closed the door going into the house, or the dogs opened it...either way, the fumes were going into the house. It's believed Kevin woke up, already feeling the effects of the gas, and went looking for his mom. The dogs would have already gotten sick all over, and might even been dead at this point. He went to the garage and found her. It looked like he had tried to get the garage open, but was overtaken by the fumes. He hit his head on the way down. When Matthew got home, he found them dead, Kevin on top of his mother. He didn't find them right away, tho...he sat in the house for a few minutes. The doctor told us he another minute would have killed Matthew, too. Skipping ahead a few days, my mother and I went to the home to clean it up. I cleaned up Kevin's blood from the garage floor...an image forever embedded in my brain. I would do it again, if it meant keeping atleast that image out of Matt's head. I can't imagine seeing what he saw.

I'll end this note by saying that tho Matt has had many ups and downs in life since then, he's doing well for himself now. He remains in his mother's home (his choice), is attending college and working full-time. I lost contact for a brief time after his dad and I divorced. He now sees his dad for what he is. We talk weekly now, and for that I'm grateful. I've only ever told Matthew this, but I carry a great deal of guilt over Kevin's death. If I had just let them stay at the house-he'd be alive. I know, I can't look at it that way...but I do. I miss him. I still have days that I can't believe he's gone. Forever 16 years old...never even had a chance at building a life away from his parents misery. 6 years ago, but it feels like 6 minutes. See you on the other side, Kev.
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For the mother of the year bit, making today an even greater day (note sarcasm)... I was goofing off with my mother (a rarity for me) today. I was coming out of my bedroom, with my mother behind me, Anne-Marie in front of me. I turned off the light and went to shut the door before my mom could get out...I wasn't even really closing it, just gingerly nudged it with my finger. I heard Alex say that Anne-Marie's finger was in the door. I said, "crap" and went to get her. Alex already had her and that's when we saw the blood. A LOT of blood. I wanted to scream, but just sat there w/ my mouth open. Alex grabbed a paper towel, which worked for a moment...he yelled for help and I went and got a wash cloth. I was crying at this point. We grabbed her and started for the ER (even at my fastest, it took nearly 25 minutes). They took us right in and xrayed her hand. She wasn't even crying. No break, but the tip is completely gone, leaving bone exposed! I can't even tell you how horrible I feel. She's been so brave, tho. I rocked her and sang while they bandaged her up and she was SMILING. They gave her antibiotics and we have to have a consult w/ a surgeon, but they think it will heal itself over. I just can't believe that happened, when the door didn't even shut. She's sleeping next to me tonight-luckily she doesn't hold a grudge, loves me no matter what. I know it was an accident, but c'mon...why couldn't it have been my finger, instead of her little delicate one? :(