Ramblings of a mad woman...

Now Boarding: The Bipolarcoaster

2009-05-25T20:36:00.003-04:00

The day finally came. Sad, really, that I knew it would...prayed it wouldn't. Kaitlynne has been having meltdowns (manic epi's) more frequently lately, and last night was the worst one yet. It started so simply. She got up around 11:30pm to go to the bathroom and get a water bottle. She got up 10 minutes later to have me look at an invisible bump on her hand. 10 minutes later, she needed to change her shorts cuz they didn't match her shirt. This continuted until 12:15am, at which point I was losing my patience. I told her to get back in her room and go to bed. I was putting the twins in their own beds for the first time, and they were sleeping. I didn't want her waking them. She mumbled under her breathe, "go frig yourself". That was it. I went in there, got in her face, and told her to say it again. She just rolled her eyes. I slapped the back of her head (yes, I know, you're all gasping...I didn't hit her hard). She goes ballistic, of course. I told her next time she'd munch on some Dawn dish soap. I told her to stop her screaming since they were sleeping next to her...she proceeds to hit and kick that wall (btwn the 2 rooms). I go out, try to ignore her. 2 hours later (yes, TWO), she's still going. I ask my mom to go calm her down-doesn't work. Gabriel wakes up. Then Anne-Marie. Kaitlynne comes out still screaming and stomping. I tell her to go outside, if she's going to be like that-I didn't want the little one's seeing it. She proceeds, so I opt to help her out the door-mistake. She's stronger than normal when she's in this state. She kicks the hell out of me a few times, almost knocking me over the last time. At this point, I have no idea what to do. Usually she will wind down on her own. Doesn't usually remember most of it. She was escalating, instead. So...I called 911. I was bawling, telling them my Bipolar 11 year old is out of control; operator sounded annoyed w/ me (sorry, no one is being robbed or dying-just at wit's end). The officer (nice gal) showed up almost immediately. Thankfully, no lights or sirens. I was still crying-this was my fear, having it come to this point. She talks to Kaitlynne alone-calms her down. Another officer comes, goes in with Kaitlynne while the female cop talks to me. Tells me my options (press assault charges--holy sh*t; send her to an adolescent mental hospital that she personally has heard horror stories about--holy sh*t again; or wait until I can get a hold of Kait's psychiatrist...obvious choice). The officer spoke to Kait again, and left. She woke up this morning oblivious to most all of it ("sorry 'bout last night, I was tired"...). I'll be calling the psych tomorrow after work.

There's more to blog about, but this situation has been mentally draining for me. Everything else is going well (work, 3 little kiddos, etc...). Another day...

Don't know if it will help...

2009-03-31T00:51:00.002-04:00

So this entry will be a rambling bit. I don't expect anyone to understand, or comment. I just have to get it out.

I take anxiety meds. I started taking them about 3 months after the twins were born. Anyone who knew me pre-meds, knows it was a much needed change. They really did the trick for quite some time. Even now, they kind of mellow me out. However, there's a darkness creeping it's way in...perhaps not creeping, a bit faster. Ever since losing my job and having no luck finding anything else, I just feel...nothing. Of course I know millions of others are in the same position-and at this point, I don't care. I can't help myself, so I surely can't help them. I was terminated for a stupid reason. Not even a 'real' reason. However, it's a "fire at will" state. They don't have to have a reason. They overhired? No problem-just can some poor schmuck in the middle of a fucking recession.

I thought moving here, it would be better. Alex got a job. Dietary at a hospital. Sounds glamorous, but it's not. I tell him he's lucky he got a job, but deep down I pray he doesn't resent me for bringing him here so he could be a glorified dishwasher.

I was supposed to be able to see my brother more. My brother-the only person who understands about our shitty childhood. Who knows how my father is a complete stranger to me, yet I have some sick need to have his love. How my mother's a crazy hypochondriac who's sure a pill cures it all. I've seen my brother maybe 5 times since we've been here. He calls-after Pete goes to work. He'll come over-if Pete says it's ok and comes with him. They leave as soon as they can. I begged him to go to St. Louis this weekend with us. It would mean him going alone, as Pete has to work that night. He said he can't...he feels guilty for leaving Pete (who will be sleeping all day so he can work that night). I asked if Pete told him he couldn't-he said no, just made him feel bad. Pete almost lost his partner that morning in June. I almost lost my BROTHER! My ONLY sibling! He doesn't owe Pete a FUCKING thing, Pete should be glad that he opted to call 911 before it was too late! Instead, he feels indebted to him for staying with him...and Pete is milking it to it's full extent. Another situation out of my hands, but in my mind and hurting my heart.

I wonder if I'll ever hear my boys say 'mommy'. If Kaitlynne will be able endure the academic struggle long enough to graduate high school. If my dad will ever look at my kids the way he looks at her grandkids. If I'll ever be able to tell someone...anyone...the horrible secrets that lurk around every corner of my mind.

And the rug comes out from under me...

2009-02-12T21:06:00.002-05:00

Everything was going great with the new job. I was the best in my training class, the managers liked me, I had made a great group of friends...and then, BAM.

I was terminated today due to mistakingly putting the wrong prior employment dates on my application. I filled it out to the best of my knowledge, as it states, but I was wrong. My managers were acting on orders from New York. They tried their best to fight it, but had about as much luck as I did.

It was like being kicked in the gut repeatedly. I came home and directly cried myself to sleep. I woke up, CORRECTED MY RESUME', and started applying for more jobs. I've been answering texts from my work-friends all night-they're all so upset. So am I :(

Leads...to nowhere?

2009-01-25T00:05:00.003-05:00

Well, as I said before, I did get a job with Chase. I'm a telephone banker (basically a teller w/out the face-to-face lol). I start Monday for a 5 week training period. We had an appt set for Brandon at a neuorologist in Feb, but I can't go because of the strict policy on not missing training. We've pushed it back to March. We've also asked that Gabriel be seen by the geneticist with Brandon, when we get that appt.

Alex has found a few leads with the hotels here. He had an interview today, but we're both still shaking our heads at the salary they're offering for a night auditor (especially one with his experience). The only thing I can think of is that with the economy in decline, the companies know they can pay next to nothing because of all the people they have applying for a few scarce positions. He has another inteview next week with a hotel that's right around the corner. I hope he gets offered that one, even if it's the same money. Much closer, not nearly the gas needed. It's bumming him out, tho. First, it takes forever to get any leads...and then it's paying next to nothing. I told him not to worry about it. Thankfully, I get paid pretty well and between the 2 of us, we'll be doing pretty good. I told him he had years where he was our sole source of income-he can take a break from worrying about it.

Kaitlynne got her report card and it has 3 (yes three) F's on it, along with multiple "concerns" from the teacher. I merely mentioned the fact that opted to cut her services against my wishes-perhaps they should rethink that. So, another IEP meeting coming up.

That's about it. Kids are doing well, otherwise. Until next time...

Thank you, Jesus

2009-01-14T16:27:00.001-05:00

I got a job!!!! A great-paying job, at that! Also, hubby got a really good lead on a job for himself! Hubby isn't a big believer in God. I admit, since losing our daughter, my faith is still trying to recover. I know, however, that He came through for us here. Thank you, God...thank you.

I got the 'piss off' email

2009-01-09T16:04:00.001-05:00

You either got a phone call for a face-to-face interview, or you got the 'piss off' email. I got the email.

Trying to chip away at the chip on my shoulder.

2009-01-08T23:11:00.003-05:00

Soooo, I realize now that the last entry was...crappy? I was just in a really bad place and needed to get it out w/out burdening my family any more than they already are. I'm trying to be more upbeat...trying. I have beautiful children that make me smile and laugh every day. I know in my heart that one should be here with us and isn't...it's hard. We're approaching the 4 year mark. How is that even possible? When they told me she had died, I didn't think I'd breathe w/out horrid pain ever again. She'd be 4 years old. I just can't imagine...

We met with the new pediatrician for the kids. Goofy, but nice guy. He's setting us up with referrals to new neurologists, geneticists, and speech therapists. Hoping he can recommend someone good for Kaitlynne.

She (Kaitlynne) is on my craplist at the moment. She's in her mouthy know-it-all stage already (which sucks, but I can deal with). Today, she opted to go to her friend's house before checking after getting off of the bus. I started to worry about 10 minutes past her regular time...panicked by the time I got off the phone with the school/transportation. They said they had dropped her off on time! I called one of her friends, wasn't there...the mom sent the little girl to another girl's house to see if she was there. She was, and even tho she obviously realized she must be doing something not-right if I sent someone for her-she sent me a NOTE saying she'd be home in an hour or so!!!! Alex and I got our shoes and helped her remember where she lived :pulls gray hairs out:.

Everything else is going. I'm in the "hurry up and wait" stage for a job that pays really well and would be GREAT to get. Cross your fingers!

What 2008 brought...

2009-01-02T00:11:00.005-05:00

Ok, this might be a bit emotional for me...so it might not make sense to all, but just some things I need to get out. What 2008 brought to our family:

Jan: *Our daughter we'll never know on earth, Marissa, would have been 3 years old.
*We opened a restaurant/motel with high hopes, tho in our hearts we knew it never
stood a chance. We were well aware that Alex's dad wouldn't do what he said he
would. Nevertheless, we rolled up our sleeves and went to work.

Feb: *Alex and I spent our 2nd anniversary at home because his dad didn't deem us
worthy of a salary to run one of his businesses. In the mean time, his other boys
who "work" for him our living in $250,000-$500,000 homes purchased by him
for them.
*We experience the first of MANY damaging floods/ice storms to our home and the
restaurant.
*We have our son evaluated by a speech therapist, who tells us he's over a year
behind developmentally.

Mar: *I make the first of a few mistakes and hire Juanita.

Apr: *The pediatrician notices a small white birth mark on our son, and tells us we need
to have him seen by a neurologist. We scoff at this, but follow thru w/ the referral.

May: *Ah, my 31st birthday. It's celebrated by my father-in-law coming to the restaurant
to tell me what a major fuck-up (sorry) I am. He has the nerve to throw Adam's
name at me and I lose it. That crazy low-life turns him in for his wrong-doings and
it's ME that's a problem?! Ha!
*My sweet boy turns 2 years old :)

June: *My mom has to be admitted into the VA hospital because she's got internal bleeding
they can't find. I have to stay in a hotel in Augusta to be near her.
*My sister-in-law dies of leukemia. She leaves behind 3 children under age 13. This
affects me deeply, tho I hardly knew her.
*While in Augusta I experience one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. I
receive a call from my brother's partner that brother has attempted suicide. He
is in the ER. It takes me several calls to find him, at which point I'm in hysterics
because I think he's dead. I'm sure of it. That's why they won't tell me where he
is. He wasn't dead, tho. While laying in his bathtub, full of his own blood flowing
steadily from his wrists, he decides he DOESN'T want to die. He calls 911 and is
saved. He spends the next 6 weeks in and out of rehab. I can't describe the
feelings from nearly losing him...

July: *I want to go to see my brother, but can't. Our busy season is about to start (or so
we were told).
*The busy season came and went, and we were still broke. People liked us, loved
our food/atmosphere...little did we know, the recession was about to strike.

Aug: *We take Brandon to Bangor for the first EKG, which is abnormal. I hold him for
what seems like forever and cry.
*Kaitlynne turns 11 :)
*The twins turn 1 :)
*My father-in-law has all but bailed on the restaurant.

Sep: *We take Brandon for genetic bloodwork, which is also abnormal. We are told he
has a chromosomal abnormality of his number 5 chromosome. We are still waiting
to see a geneticist to have this explained to us.

Oct: *My father-in-law drops his spies off for a week at the hotel/restaurant. They
immediate latch on to the weakest link, Juanita. She thinks she can get ahead, so
she tells them lie upon lie about us, including that I NEVER worked! I was putting
in 60+ hours a week, and had the payroll to prove it-but he didn't care...she was
his new drinking buddy. Low-lifes of a feather...
*Brandon goes for a 48-hour EKG and an MRI. THANK THE GOOD LORD his MRI
comes back clear! However, the EKG does not. He is having seizures, and is put
on medication. The cause is unclear, we're still following up on it.
*We make the decision to leave the hotel/restaurant. His father had bailed, it
couldn't support itself, and he's made a mockery of my husband and I in the little
town we had to live in.

Nov: *We move to Missouri. His dad has promised to help us, but it's been like pulling
teeth. He blames ME for the entire economic recession! I didn't know I had such
power. Our credit cards are nearly maxed for having to live on them for the last
year because he refused to pay us our salaries...

Dec: *Hard time finding work...not what we had thought it would be.
*Christmas is bleak, financially, but my kids still make me smile.
*I find myself falling into a deep depression...still working on that one, too.
*We get to see my brother-in-law and sister-in-law after over a year. The few,
perhaps the only, in-laws I like.
*We find out that that Alex's uncle (a dear man) has terminal cancer.

I know, this is a bleak post. It's been a hard year. However, we are all here. Healthy, and most of us happy. I praying the New Year brings stability so that we can cut the ties for good. My father-in-law has beat me down emotionally. Something I swore I'd never let ANY man (or woman) do to me again after my ex-husband. I suppose he feels good about himself, even tho I KNOW he knows I busted my ASS for him. Karma. It's a bitch, so I hear...

'Tis the season...

2008-12-21T12:03:00.002-05:00

for depression. I'll admit, I take medication for my anxiety, but it's not really doing much these days. We moved to the midwest because the economy was holding on pretty well-at least, until we got here. We've had a hard time finding work. Alex has been lucky enough to get seasonal work with UPS, and we're hoping he can get something with them after the holidays. I've been sick since we got here with bronchitis, and now a sinus infection. I had some issue with my back that I had to go to the ER for...doc said it's stress-related (go figure). The bills have started showing up, so we had to cave and ask my ass-in-law (hubby's dad) for money. He made sure to tell hubby that apparently I caused the economic recession all by myself-I'm just THAT good. I know, I'm sounding whoa-is-me. I haven't been out of the house much, other than to go to a couple of interviews (I was "over-qualified" for one, bad credit for the second, but hopeful for the third). The job I'm waiting on is only part-time for now, but the manager (bank) said she has plenty of extra hours for me with vacations and such. I hope to find out before Christmas.

Kaitlynne has been having a bit of trouble with school. On the social-aspect, she's doing well-made friends, teacher likes her, etc... She's just getting frustrated with the work. I think it's the same type of thing she was doing at her other school, just hard work right now. Hopefully she'll get it-I know it's frustrating for her.

Brandon is doing well. He has been making so much eye contact, and lots of noises. Yesterday, I accidentally hit his head with toy and he said 'ow'. We aren't sure if he was meaning it as it's supposed to be, or if it was a noise that came out-either way, it was exciting. He goes to his new pediatrician in a couple of weeks, and from there we'll get referrals for a neuro and geneticist so we can move further with the test results from Maine.

Gabriel has been making more eye contact, as well. He makes his noises, but not any words...yet. We've been stretching his neck more again-it seemed to be turning in just a smidge again. He's a total loveybutt.

Anne-Marie is the life of the party! She's talking (mama, dada, all gone, bye bye, hi, hello, baby), dancing, running, laughing...very funny little girl.

Alex is good, tho stressed, like me. We know it will work out, we just hadn't anticipated it taking this long. Sucks.

My mom's...my mom. She goes out a lot, which is good for her. Helps with the kids. Gotten a bit lazy with things around the house, but I guess we all have.

I hope everyone's holidays are going well, and everyone stays safe. Until next year ;)

We're here :)

2008-11-27T10:03:00.002-05:00

I can smell the comforting scent of turkey in the air, I've got the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade on tv, my kids are all safe and happy-today I am thankful.

Just a short note to say we got moved ok, and we're spending turkeyday with my brother and his partner, Petey. I hope you and yours can find and enjoy what you're thankful for today. Happy Thanksgiving Day everyone.

RIP Carrie (Callaway) Hammer...my thoughts and many prayers are with your husband, small children, and the rest of your family and friends. A tragedy, no matter what time of year.

Still here :)

2008-11-12T01:22:00.003-05:00

I know, it's been awhile. We've been packing and taking care of all the loose ends. We're leaving on Friday morning, and it still seems so surreal. I can't believe I'm going back "home". I'm excited, scared, nervous, and unbelievably anxious. I'm happy my brother will be there. I know I won't see him tons, but just to have him close to 'keep an eye on him', I guess. Plus, it surely doesn't hurt to have someone we know there. He sounds excited to have us coming, too. I had told my dad we were coming (he also lives there)...he just wanted to know where we were living (so he could google to see the house @@), and where Alex was going to be working. Didn't show any emotion about it. I don't know why I expected more-but I did. He hasn't seen me in 10 years. Saw my oldest when she was about a year, hasn't met any of the other children or my husband. Oh well...

I did hear something today that almost made me happy, tho it shouldn't have. My bro-in-law said that my father-in-laws hotels in Canada weren't doing so well. He was blaming it on gas prices and the economy. The exact reasons WE couldn't make it here, but he called us lazy lowlifes instead. I'd love to tell him the same, but I won't.

Kids are doing well, tho feeling the anxiety in the house. Kaitlynne has been up and down the 'bipolar-coaster' (as I call it) pretty bad the last few days; she'll be better on the road, and def. better when she sees Scott and Pete. Brandon's tolerating his seizure meds well, and thankfully sleeping (with the help of Melatonin). The twins are doing well, tho Anne-Marie is having the most issues with what's going on. We don't have time to hold her or pay as much attention, tho we're trying to take time out for her. I might have to dig out my Mei-Tei to carry her around in.

Not much else going on right now-moving has consumed everything, blah. I'm just ready to be there and to get everything going for doctors, jobs, and such.

The verdict's in...sort of...

2008-10-30T01:39:00.003-04:00

It's been a busy few days. I'll start with what I've been getting the most questions on-Brandon.

We took him to the neurologist this past Monday. She told us several things...things I'm still trying to wrap my mind around. His blood work seems to have told the most, but at the same time, the least. There were some things that came up (B7 was low, TSH Thyroid test was low) that will simply be followed or retested. The *big* one was that he has a chromosomal abnormality. Something to do with his chromosome number 5. I don't have the results in front of me (they're being sent to me), so I don't know exactly what it was she said. She DID say she had wanted us to meet with a geneticist to get a more detailed explanation, further testing (on dh and I), and prognosis. However, we're moving in 2 weeks, so I'll have to set that up when we get there. We're concerned about it being a genetic condition, especially since Gabriel shows many of the same "signs" as Brandon. His MRI showed a minor abnormality. The stem of his brain hangs down a bit further into his spinal column than most. It can cause headaches and stiff neck, but generally it's ok. It's also a hereditary condition, and I would almost bet money that it's me (my mom said the same thing). I suffer constant migraines and stiff neck. His EEG showed abnormality like the first one. They couldn't be certain he was having seizures (since I didn't get them recorded), but they do know that it shows he's 70% prone to having seizures. After lengthy discussion, we opted to put him on an antiseizure medication. I was also told I could give him 1.5mg of Melatonin at night so he'll go to sleep. For ever a month, he's been keeping himself (and me) up until well past 4am. He can sleep late-I can't.

So, until we get moved, we know some-but not all. When we get there, I'll be getting to a neurologist for him, as well as Gabriel.

Now, for the next thing I've been questioned about-our move. I had to wait until I talked to my friend, Kim, before posting this. We're moving to Missouri, with my family. This was NOT the original plan-we were supposed to be going back to Florida. I had told everyone we were coming back. I feel awful having gotten their hopes up-but at the time, I HONESTLY thought that's where we were going. I had been putting it off telling people, but wanted to tell Kim first. The reasons we can't go back to Florida have NOTHING to do with us, which is unfair, to say the least. My FIL pushed hard for us to go to Canada, but we refused. Our only other options were stay here, or go to where we atleast knew someone...so Springfield it is. I'm excited (and scared, nervous, anxious). We just put the deposit down on a rental home...we got lucky and found a pretty inexpensive 4 bedroom in a decent neighborhood. We have to find jobs when we get there, but we're hopeful to get on at the hospital where my brother's in-laws work.

I'll miss the therapists that have come to help the kids. We've met wonderful people that have our kids best interests at heart. We made a few friends while here, but honestly-it never felt like "home". With all that my brother has gone through in the last few months, I'm happy to be closer to him.

I guess that's it for tonight. It's late, and I should be sleeping-maybe I should take some melatonin, too :/

The doctor expected it...

2008-10-18T01:38:00.003-04:00

...but I didn't. Brandon's EEG results came back today, and he is indeed having seizures. Next Tuesday is his MRI, which will help in determining the cause. I'm scared. Scared about him being sedated for the test. More scared of what they'll find. I'm terrorified they'll want to do some kind of surgery on his brain or something. My husband said today, "Why do bad things happen to good people?". Brandon is absolutely the sweetest child-everyone who comes near him can feel/see how special he is. Alex always says he has a little something extra than other kids-he carries a piece of his sister, Marissa, with him. I have issues with my faith still from losing her. I pray, and I hope He knows I mean what I say...but I also hope He knows I'm beyond angry at my sweet girl being taken. I ask that God be with Brandon now...and that he be with him to keep him HERE with US.

I'm sure there's more I should write about, but I'm so tired. Brandon's been keeping all hours lately, and the twins are teething. I got all of my badges on Pogo for the week-which I have NEVER done before because I didn't have the time. Staying up until 4am or later with Brandon allows for it (ha ha).

Hope all is well in cyber-land.

I caved...thankfully.

2008-10-08T22:49:00.002-04:00

I've been really down the last 2 weeks or so. It looks like we'll be going thru at least one more major change in the next month, possibly two (depending on the outcome with Brandon's testing). I'm very much a creature of habit. I've always had issues dealing with change. I did pretty well with our move up here, mainly because I was so busy with the restaurant. Well, it's been closed for about a month now, and I've been feeling the blues coming. I take medication for anxiety, but lately...well, it hasn't done much for me. I had been monitoring my blood pressure at Wal-Mart (I know, not that most accurate...), and noticed that it's been running pretty high lately (go figure). I take meds for that, as well (it never went down to normal after having the twins), so it shouldn't be too bad. So, I made an appt with my doc. He added another BP pill, gave me a year of refills for my birth control (THANK YOU! lol), gave me a pill for urinary incontenance (damaged bladder from child birth with my oldest), and doubled my script for my anxiety meds. I'm hoping it helps. I've had a hard time doing anything lately. I can't sleep at night, so I stay up all hours and then want to crash during the day (hard to do when we're packing and have 3 little ones that want Mommy's attention). I've had no motivation/energy, and I've packed on 15 lbs in the last few months...I had actually been losing before.

My father-in-law finally contacted us back and basically said I'm an a-hole and that if I know what's best for me, I'll shut my mouth. I do know what's best, and I will shut my mouth...for now.

I'm so scared about the empending move. I've got to go thru all the crap again of insurances, doctors, specialists, and add finding a job (and helping hubby find one) to the mix... I'm beyond terrorified about Brandon's test results. I'm so scared they're going to come back with him needing brain surgery or even worse. I can't lose any more children. I shouldn't HAVE to lose any more kids, DAMN IT. I know, it's a woe-as-me post...sorry. I just want to be RID of this black cloud that's hanging overhead.

6 years ago and the new Mother of the Year

2008-10-02T23:26:00.002-04:00

I have a tattoo that says the name "Kevin" on my left upper arm. It's encased in a heart with wings and a halo. Many people look at it and assume that it's an old boyfriend, or my current husband. I don't generally tell the entire story of him to many...it's been 6 years today and it hurts just as bad.

Kevin was one of my stepson's from my first marriage. He was a quiet boy, had a difficult time with his parents' divorce. The few times he did open up, he was so funny and caring...a really sweet kid, torn between two parents. It was no secret his dad favored Matthew, his older brother. His mother, in return, babied Kevin. Both parents used the children as pawns to hurt the other, as so often happens in bitter divorces. The boys would live with us, then her, then split between the two, and so on. When Kevin was 16, and Matthew 18, they told us they both wanted to quit school. At this time, my (then) husband had allowed the boys to do drugs w/ him, as well as drink. Kevin took pretty quickly to marijuana, Matthew to alcohol. I hated every minute of it, and made their 'parties' miserable by putting my food down about things. When the school thing came up, that was it for me. I was working 2 jobs to keep things going there (since my husband wouldn't work), and I refused to let them throw their lives away to end up like him. I said they could get their GED's and work, or stay in school. They didn't care for my options, so they called their mother--she told them they could quit school and live with her. I was furious, but said hey, her kids. Matthew stayed out for about 3 months before going back-he's very much the social butterfly, missed his friends and the girls. Kevin stayed home, mostly playing video games and getting high with his mother. On October 2nd, 2002 Matthew called our home screaming. He was in such a state that his father couldn't understand what he was saying on the phone machine, so he didn't answer it...I'll never forget that he didn't answer it. When I got home, I went check the messages. I played it over and over until I figured out that it was Matthew. I started calling over to his mothers...over and over and over. No answer. I was freaking out. I had just grabbed my keys to drive out when we got the knock on the door. I opened the door and my heart fell to the floor. It was the police, along with a bereavement officer. She asked us to sit down, I yelled at her to just tell us what was going on...where were the boys. She looked at me and said, "Kevin and Claire (his mother) are dead, Matthew is at the hospital." I sort of fell onto the chair, crying so hard I could barely breathe, asking what had happened. Claire had committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning. She had taken Matthew to school, gone home and put all of the notes she wrote on the kitchen counter, closed the outside garage door with the truck running and laid near the exhaust pipe. She either had not closed the door going into the house, or the dogs opened it...either way, the fumes were going into the house. It's believed Kevin woke up, already feeling the effects of the gas, and went looking for his mom. The dogs would have already gotten sick all over, and might even been dead at this point. He went to the garage and found her. It looked like he had tried to get the garage open, but was overtaken by the fumes. He hit his head on the way down. When Matthew got home, he found them dead, Kevin on top of his mother. He didn't find them right away, tho...he sat in the house for a few minutes. The doctor told us he another minute would have killed Matthew, too. Skipping ahead a few days, my mother and I went to the home to clean it up. I cleaned up Kevin's blood from the garage floor...an image forever embedded in my brain. I would do it again, if it meant keeping atleast that image out of Matt's head. I can't imagine seeing what he saw.

I'll end this note by saying that tho Matt has had many ups and downs in life since then, he's doing well for himself now. He remains in his mother's home (his choice), is attending college and working full-time. I lost contact for a brief time after his dad and I divorced. He now sees his dad for what he is. We talk weekly now, and for that I'm grateful. I've only ever told Matthew this, but I carry a great deal of guilt over Kevin's death. If I had just let them stay at the house-he'd be alive. I know, I can't look at it that way...but I do. I miss him. I still have days that I can't believe he's gone. Forever 16 years old...never even had a chance at building a life away from his parents misery. 6 years ago, but it feels like 6 minutes. See you on the other side, Kev.
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For the mother of the year bit, making today an even greater day (note sarcasm)... I was goofing off with my mother (a rarity for me) today. I was coming out of my bedroom, with my mother behind me, Anne-Marie in front of me. I turned off the light and went to shut the door before my mom could get out...I wasn't even really closing it, just gingerly nudged it with my finger. I heard Alex say that Anne-Marie's finger was in the door. I said, "crap" and went to get her. Alex already had her and that's when we saw the blood. A LOT of blood. I wanted to scream, but just sat there w/ my mouth open. Alex grabbed a paper towel, which worked for a moment...he yelled for help and I went and got a wash cloth. I was crying at this point. We grabbed her and started for the ER (even at my fastest, it took nearly 25 minutes). They took us right in and xrayed her hand. She wasn't even crying. No break, but the tip is completely gone, leaving bone exposed! I can't even tell you how horrible I feel. She's been so brave, tho. I rocked her and sang while they bandaged her up and she was SMILING. They gave her antibiotics and we have to have a consult w/ a surgeon, but they think it will heal itself over. I just can't believe that happened, when the door didn't even shut. She's sleeping next to me tonight-luckily she doesn't hold a grudge, loves me no matter what. I know it was an accident, but c'mon...why couldn't it have been my finger, instead of her little delicate one? :(

Wired

2008-10-01T00:50:00.002-04:00

It's been a few days... I've been sleep-deprived (Brandon still pulling all-nighters, Gabriel's teething), feeling crappy (damn allergies), and just down in general. We emailed his dad ("caved", as we call it)...he read it, but didn't respond. Enjoying *the game* too much still, I suppose. It's an awful feeling to have someone else make the decisions for your life. I can't wait to be away from that.

I finally got someone at the neurologist's office to tell me that they DID see seizure activity on his first EEG, but can't tell what's causing it since the EEG was a short one. We got next Friday to Bangor for his 48-hour EEG (they moved it up and ordered the longest one), and on the 21st of October he goes for an MRI. This totally freaks me out-he'll have to be sedated for it. What if they find something on his brain? This is almost too much to handle...

Hollywood's Great Loss

2008-09-27T12:42:00.003-04:00

Just a quickie entry for right now. A dedication in memory of a wonderful actor and humanitarian, Paul Newman. I always shared my (ok maybe useless) trivia in the grocery store with whomever that 100% of the profits from any of Newman's foods went to charity. 100%! Married to the same woman (Joanne Woodward) for 50 years...unheard of in Hollywood (or anywhere)! I could never pinpoint a favorite movie of his, as I truly enjoyed anything he was in or a part of. He died at home with his family and close friends around him, which is the way he had said he wanted it. Many prayers to his family, and thank you to Mr. Newman for being you.

Jolt of reality

2008-09-22T13:26:00.007-04:00

I added a gal to my friendlist on Myspace yesterday. She's a friend of a friend, graduated a year ahead of me at the same high school, and I was friends (not close) with one of her younger sisters. She accepted my request, so I did the normal browsing of her once-private page. I saw pictures of her lovely sisters, including the one I had known in school. These gals are all so smart, pretty, just overall nice people. I went to read her blog entries, and as I was reading some of the older entries I saw, "my sister is dead". I was like whoa, what? I went hunting for more information, but couldn't see more than some here and there, so I googled her sisters' name. What I found still has me in tears. Her sister, the one I knew and who was my age, had died from complications of pregnancy/delivery of her 2nd child (who also did not survive-they had induced her at 22 weeks). She had a stroke during delivery, remained in a coma until her family had to make the gut-wrenching decision to ler her body go, as her soul was already gone.

I can't pinpoint the exact reason why this is so devastating to me. There are many reasons to be affected (she was a classmate/friend, she was young, she was a mother/sister/wife/daughter)...I think the reason it really gets me is reading the words of her family left behind. Having my brother come so close to leaving me a few months ago, knowing I was just that close to writing those painful words. My heart goes out to the family. It's been a couple of years now, but I can imagine the pain is just as fresh (especially when they see her smile in her daughter). God grant them the comfort they so rightfully deserve.

The What-If's will get you every time...

2008-09-21T23:55:00.008-04:00

I'm having a hard time dealing with things as they stand right now. We were brought up here for what reason? To fail? Couldn't he have had his fun humiliating us in Florida? So now we wait. We have to stay until the end of October anyway for Brandon's test...another source of major anxiety. My son's neurologist thinks he could have Tuberous Sclerosis. This would explain the speech delay, milestone delays, etc... The thought of him having numerous seizures everyday...ugh. I spend so much time just holding his hand, or rubbing his head (he likes that, since I had to buzz his hair off for the next EEG). I have to call tomorrow about the MRI (putting my baby under sedation for nearly 2 hours). What does my father-in-law say to all of this? That we're wasting our time trying to get our son labeled 'retarded' and finding a pill to make him talk. Yep, just a brief glimpse into the kind of monster that holds our fate in his hands, so-to-speak. After the nasty (but true) email he got from us a week ago, it's been a standoff of wills. Who's going to crack first. It will be us, tho, and he knows it. We have no other options...and he knows it. I can see freedom so close, but so far away...

Kaitlynne is a whole other ball of wax. She's had a HORRIBLE time adjusting to the move here, and now we're probably moving again? I know it's a better move that this one, but still. She is filled with so much...contempt. For everyone in our home, it seems (except the babies, I think-she does REALLY well with them).

The twins are doing well. Gabriel got a good report from the orthopedist (says his head may not ever mold to be a perfect round, but he's doing really good with the ROM). He'll be starting speech therapy with Donna (Brandon's therapist) next week. I honestly didn't notice a delay until he was evaluated (at Alex's insistance). Anne-Marie is ever the drama queen and SO super clingy to me! It's usually sweet, but can be really trying at times. I think Alex thinks she doesn't like him, but I'm sure she'll *switch teams* soon enough.

I find myself so full of disappointment/sadness/anger at what happened here. Not just with the BS that my father-in-law put us through, but with the way I trusted Juanita. People tried to tell me about her and I didn't listen. Now, she has the money she stole (and I can't prove it) and all the crap she said about us to HIM. Oh well, losers of a feather, I guess. Not everyone here was a waste...I really like Mary. I was told not to trust her, either, but she's the only one who still talks to me (since we closed the restaurant). We met some great customers, and Cindy (our part-time cook) is a sweetheart, too. More bad apples than good, unfortunately. Another chapter in life, tho...I'm so ready to start a new, better one.